Published on July 20th, 2015 | by Jennifer Adams1
A kid’s guide to summer
It’s SUMMERTIME! The days are long, the nights are short. School is out and your schedule is wide open. By now, you’ve probably run out of ideas.
Don’t despair! Below is every kids perfect guide to making the most of this fleeting season.
1) Fight with your sibling(s) about everything. EVERYTHING. If there is nothing to fight about, get creative! Find something. You can do it!
2) Read a lot. If you can’t read, just repetitively ask “what does this spell?” It’s best if you yell it out from a different room. If you can read, freak out in the car if your book gets left at home.
3) Stomp loudly through the house to show your displeasure. Because it’s summer. Obviously, this all sucks.
4) Demand things: candy, ice cream, soda, trips to spray grounds and Target, crackers, pop chips, milkshakes, candy, flip-flops, dinosaur mash-ups, digibirds, colored pencils, $1 bracelets, more candy, chicken nuggets, sunglasses. Do this ceaselessly.
5) Injuries. Make the most of these long days: strive for paper cuts, skinned knees, sunburns, and lots of splinters. Blame your parents! Extra points for any injuries that happen while running late to anything or in the car. The reasons your parent give for not immediately bandaging your paper cut are just an excuses.
6) Work on your storytelling. Make up jokes and stories with strong moral lessons to showcase and highlight the flaws and shortcomings of your parents. You are spending more time with them; write what you know!
7) Take an inventory of your possessions. Get them all out. Spread them throughout the house. Exclaim loudly how boring they all are. Do not put them away. This is your house too! (Now is a good time to demand that trip to Target.)
8) Now is the season for special treats. On cooler mornings, request a hot chocolate when your parents are ordering their triple tall nonfat mochas. Make sure the whip cream and sprinkles are on the OUTSIDE of the lid. Once those are devoured, drop the cup so you get a new one!
This classic trick works great with ice cream cones too. Be sure they are dripping down your arm first. Try a version around the campfire. Let your marshmallow get so hot, it drops right off of your stick. It’s hilarious to watch grown-ups try to salvage it by picking off the burning debris.
9) Experiments! Summer is a time to try new things. Water the plants with milk! Pretend you are having a bathroom emergency in a public place! Do it again. And again. And again.
Then, have a bathroom emergency in a public place.
What happens when you mix macaroni in the silverware drawer? Try hiding candy under your pillow. If you leave the freezer open, how long until everything melts? Make a graph!
Try talking to strangers. It’s best to find someone who looks very different from you. Point out those differences loudly.
10) Pet care! Don’t waste time with menial tasks like walking the dog or bathing him (obviously your parents prefer to take care of those chores).
You’re here to enrich your pets lives.
Yes, the goldfish wants to see the fireworks. Yes, the dog’s water dish is just a small wading pool.
Yes, the cat box is purrrfect for: desert camping for action figures; excavation fun for the archaeologically inclined; and sand castles!
Other ideas: the cat’s whiskers need a trim. Haven’t you always wondered what that kibble tastes like? Leash lassos (extra points if you tangle them deep in the bushes)!
11) Mealtimes. Summer is full of delightful and different foods. As your parents fire up the grill, do you part to make these meals memorable. Tease the dog with your hot dog then give him all your grilled zucchini. Grab a sharp knife and try to slice all the kernels off your corn cob. Demand all food on paper plates. Collapse the plates. Try putting your elbows/feet/butt on the table whenever possible.
12) An oldie but a goodie: Tantrums!
Tantrums, meltdowns, throwing a fit; whatever you call it, you know how to do it. And it’s summer. You are over-heated, over-tired, over-stimulated. You deserve this. Even if you are “too old”- whatever that means.
It’s best to do it when your parents hands are full. Extra points if you are in a very busy public place (think street fair or grocery store). A good alternative is somewhere dangerous. The middle of the street and near a campfire are always winners!
13) Interrupt your parent in the bathroom. Every single time.
Most of all remember: summer is short. September will be here before you know it. Try different combinations of the above options. See what you can come up with!
All photographs other than the selfie are by Jennifer Adams