CULTURE

Published on February 14th, 2015 | by Mike Hunt

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Good sex: a column for the curious

Sex can be hard. It’s tricky. Things have to go places and sometimes you have … questions. We all know that there is a shortage of good sex advice out there and so in the spirit of February — the month of sex, love, and Rite-Aid purchased teddy-bears — Post Defiance has hired a sexpertologist to answer your most pressing questions about doing the horizontal mambo. A graduate of the School of Theology and Sex Ministry at Pacific Baptist University, Mr. Mike Hunt graduated with a BA in Bonerology and a minor in Underwater Oragastronomy. He enjoys tomato soup and can often be found at Kings Books.  You can send him YOUR questions by emailing MikeHunt.PostDefiance@gmail.com

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Hi! I’m a 23 year-old female. My boyfriend and I have an okay sex life, but it is missing that “spark.” I’ve been wondering if there is a way to incorporate more food into our sex-play. We do the classics — you know, donut blow-jobs and the like — but you can only eat a donut off a dong so many times before it is like, “Yeah, okay, but what’s next?” What other fun food tricks can we try?

Tired of dong donuts

Hi Tired,

Great question! Not only is using food during sex safe, sanitary, and fun, but for a busy couple on the go, it is an excellent way to multi-task. For some great nom-nom worthy sex, try:

  • Gummi Bear BJs:  Those little gelatinous cuties aren’t just a great snack, they are an excellent addition to what is otherwise just a ho-hum blow job. We all like to pretend that normal old oral sex is great, but everyone knows that for it to really be good, someone needs to be shoving something sweet, sour, or salty some place god never intended it to be! The next time you want to pleasure your man dome style, put a handful of gummi bears in there first. Make sure you really slosh ‘em around and get them nice and wet. Maybe masticate them a bit first — give a little chew and just gargle that shit. Then when you take his by now surely throbbing member into your facial pleasure hole, it will be sweet, sticky stew for him to stir! You’ll never be able to snack the same again!
  • Whipped Cream Bikini Redux:  Like every good woman, I’m sure you have greeted your lover dressed in nothing but a sexy coating of several cans of whipped dairy product and invited him to lick it off. For a fun twist, try the whipped cream bikini, but make him watch YOU eat it. Shmeer it all over those lovely bosoms, grab a spoon, and go to town on the sweet whipped cream mountains that are your chest. Make sure you do it nice and slow, and make “yummy” noises. Don’t worry, he won’t get bored and you won’t get sick! It will be a delicious date for the history books!
  • Pear Where?: The problem with a lot of food sex advice is that it is heavy on the sweets. For a healthy alternative, try cutting up a pear. Hide it places. Personal places ifyouknowwhatimean. One time, my GF hid a slice between her butt cheeks and boy! Finding it was out of this world. And then I also had a healthy snack.

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Dear Mike,

I am a 24-year-old guy. My girlfriend and I keeping trying the gummi bear blow job, but she always chokes on the bears. What should I do?

 – Missing That Sweet Gummi Stew

Dear Missing,

Try peach rings.

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Dear Mr. Hunt,

I’m in my 30s and have been dating a woman for a while. I’d really like to try some dirty talk, but I’m not sure what I should call her swimsuit area. I’m afraid “pussy” will offend her, but “vagina” seems very clinical. I just feel really insecure about it all and never know what to say! What do I do??

 – Say my name

Hi Say,

Getting sexy-time-talk right is a tricky beast. Personally, I’m something of a dirty talk expert. All I have to do is whisper “I can’t wait to see your fuzzy platypus” and my special lady friend starts to go wild! Some helpful suggestions:

  • “Can I put my face in your Tacoma Domes?”
  • “My anteater is so hard!”
  • “When I get home, I’m going to stick my finger in your ear. MMMHHHH. Ear finger…”
  • “My feet are so sweaty thinking about your butt wobble.” 

Now, that is some pretty expert level stuff, so you might want to start slower. I personally learned to talk dirty real good by mentioning my boner a lot. There is nothing a lady finds hotter than the word boner. So the next time you are watching a movie and maybe want to get a little frisky, lean in, nuzzle her neck, and whisper, “There is a tent in my pants because I have a boner. A boner for your sweet twatwaffle. Boner. Boner. Boner.”  Trust me. You’ll be golden. 

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Dear Mike,

This is embarrassing to admit, but sometimes I have trouble…keeping things up.I know you recommend saying “boner” a lot, but it seems misleading if I can’t even get one! I don’t want to disappoint the special person in my life with a limp night. What do I do??

– Flailing and Flaccid

Dear Flaccid,

Two popsicle sticks, a rubber band, topped with a condom. Because safe sex is good sex!

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Got a sex question? As Mike Hunt at MikeHunt.PostDefiance@gmail.com

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