With fifty states in the US and countless geographic regions, it’s hard to pin down the best places in America. Every area has its pros and cons but today we nail down a few things that make Washington one of the most superior states in the union.
Our Beaches. If you’ve been to one beach in the US, you’ve been to them all. Warm sand, sunshine, girls in bikinis, boardwalks and blah blah blah.
In Washington, our beaches are made of rocks because sand is for sissies. Our freezing waters, howling winds and constant rain force our women to wear at least three layers.
The Mountain. Mount Rainier is majestic as fuck. It rises from the Earth like a middle finger to the other forty-nine states. Your state stares at Mount Rainier the same way that your boyfriend stares at John Holmes: in awe and envy. California’s Mount Whitney doesn’t even come close to the supreme skyline dominance that Rainier provides. The only mountain that rivals Rainier’s radiance is Mount McKinley in Alaska. But Alaska is basically Canada and I’ve never heard of a beer called McKinley.
Lenin. Do you have a sixteen foot statue of a soviet revolutionary in your state? Nyet. You sure don’t.
Hops. Do you like beer? You can thank Washington. Seventy five percent of all of the hops in the US are grown in Washington’s Yakima Valley. Here in the Pacific Northwest we are famous for putting more hops in our beer than your state. Your state is afraid of hops because you are all cowards. What does your state grow, Corn?
Mmm, GMO corn!
Speaking of beer…
BEER. Fuck your Shiner Bock and Miller Lite swilling state. We drink real beer. We have 172 craft breweries operating in Washington. The only state with more is California, but they are bigger and also bankrupt so they don’t count.
Plus, they gave this gem to the world –
So, thanks for that, California.
We’re not Utah. The Beehive state is filled to the brim with Mormons and it is technically illegal to NOT drink milk there. You also can’t buy beer that’s more than 4% ABV at the store. However, one thing that Utah is the best at is subscribing to online porn.
So at least they’ve got that going for them.
Weed. On November 6th, 2012, Washington did something amazing. The passage of Initiative 502 legalized Marijuana… Sort of. There’s still a lot of kinks to work out but essentially, you can smoke that shit in your house and you’re allowed to carry up to an ounce at a time.
Unfortunately, what all of this really means is that white, over-privileged college kids will be listening to a lot more Dave Matthews Band this summer while they play ultimate frisbee. And Dave Matthews Band sucks.
Coffee. There is no state that comes close. Washington invented that shit and wherever you live produces a far, far inferior cup of joe. As big and obnoxious as Starbucks may be, let’s be honest: You wouldn’t know what the fuck a latte was if it hadn’t been for them opening up in every strip mall that your shitty state has.
What’s that? You really like Frappuccinos?
Marmots. We have many in our majestic mountain ranges. Your state may have some marmots as well but it’s a scientific fact that ours are far more adorable.
Beards. They come in all shapes and sizes. It’s rumored that most Washingtonian men grow their first beard by age seven. It is also a little known fact that beards have magical powers in the Northwest. A beard grown in Missouri will grant its owner wizard like capabilities when in Washington.
The Narrows. In 1940, we built a bridge across the Tacoma Narrows Straight. Four months after its completion, it collapsed into Puget Sound during a wind storm.
But instead of whining about it like your state would have, we were all like “fuck you!” and we rebuilt that son of a bitch even better than the first one. Then to top it off we built another one right next to it, taunting Mother Nature to blow that shit down.
Twin Peaks. This show was one of the single most astounding pieces of television to ever grace the airwaves. Who Killed Laura Palmer? It was her dad, Leland. But he was possessed by a Native American guy or something. I don’t really remember. Anyway, the pies at Twede’s Cafe in North Bend aren’t as good as the show would have you believe. In fact, the food in general at Twede’s is sub-par and I wouldn’t really recommend eating there. Just watch the show.
Oh, had you not seen it yet? SPOILER ALERT!
We’re not Alabama.
You get the picture.
Mount St. Helens. Has a volcano ever erupted in your state? Unless you live in Hawaii, the answer is no and Hawaii’s volcanoes erupt like little girls. Saint Helens went up like Hiroshima (without killing Japanese people) and left behind a crater bigger than Steven Tyler’s mouth. Gross.
This. The epic-ness of this song is unfathomable, plus the fucking piano explodes at fifty seconds in. Are there two sisters from your state in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame? The answer to that question is no. In fact, other than the Breeders there aren’t even sisters from your state that are good at music.
Speaking of sibling bands: Hey, Oklahoma – not only did you steal the Sonics, you gave the world The Hanson Brothers.
(which is far worse than the Dave Matthews Band)
Anyway, go fuck yourselves.
Bill Gates. A Seattle native, mega-billionaire, philanthropist and all around straight up genius. He created the single most popular operating system in the world. He’s given over thirty billion dollars to charity and through the Gates Foundation, is close to eradicating malaria from the entire continent of Africa. Not bad for a guy who dropped out of Harvard.
What did Steve Jobs do, cure cancer?
Gay Marriage. We voted for it. And that means that these guys could get married. Even our gay guys have magical beards.
Salmon. Don’t even bring up Atlantic Salmon. It’s insulting. Pacific Salmon are noble, gentle creatures and native Washingtonians can pick out a Coho from a Sockeye or Chinook on sight. That’s a fact. We eat fresh Salmon for breakfast lunch and dinner while you’re eating frozen seafood at Sizzler in a strip mall.
Oh, you have a Long John Silver’s next to Applebee’s?
Get hip to Ivar’s, bitches.
Cascadia. Some day the Pacific Northwest will be its own NATION and we’ll get to enjoy our wonderful region as it was meant to be; without a bunch of assholes moving here and bitching about the weather. Cascadia will be a land of rocky shores, emerald forests, golden prairies and glorious alpine peaks bountiful with apples, beer, elk and Amazon employees. It will be perfection, and we’ll even let the weirdos from Portland join in.