CITY LIFE Washington Map by These Are Things Studio
http://thesearethings.com/

Published on February 14th, 2013 | by Joe Korbuszewski

50

Washington rules: why Washington State is better than your state

Re-posted with permission from Camp666. All text and photos via Camp666.
Featured image by These Are Things Studio.

With fifty states in the US and countless geographic regions, it’s hard to pin down the best places in America. Every area has its pros and cons but today we nail down a few things that make Washington one of the most superior states in the union.

Our Beaches. If you’ve been to one beach in the US, you’ve been to them all. Warm sand, sunshine, girls in bikinis, boardwalks and blah blah blah.

In Washington, our beaches are made of rocks because sand is for sissies. Our freezing waters, howling winds and constant rain force our women to wear at least three layers.

Washington Beach

The Mountain. Mount Rainier is majestic as fuck. It rises from the Earth like a middle finger to the other forty-nine states. Your state stares at Mount Rainier the same way that your boyfriend stares at John Holmes: in awe and envy. California’s Mount Whitney doesn’t even come close to the supreme skyline dominance that Rainier provides. The only mountain that rivals Rainier’s radiance is Mount McKinley in Alaska. But Alaska is basically Canada and I’ve never heard of a beer called McKinley.

Mount Rainier

Lenin. Do you have a sixteen foot statue of a soviet revolutionary in your state? Nyet. You sure don’t.

Lenin statue at its new position in Fremont at the corner of 36th and Evanston

Hops. Do you like beer? You can thank Washington. Seventy five percent of all of the hops in the US are grown in Washington’s Yakima Valley. Here in the Pacific Northwest we are famous for putting more hops in our beer than your state. Your state is afraid of hops because you are all cowards. What does your state grow, Corn?

Mmm, GMO corn!

Hops

So many sticky-icky nugs of freshies, bro!

Speaking of beer…

BEER. Fuck your Shiner Bock and Miller Lite swilling state. We drink real beer. We have 172 craft breweries operating in Washington. The only state with more is California, but they are bigger and also bankrupt so they don’t count.

Plus, they gave this gem to the world –

So, thanks for that, California.

We’re not Utah. The Beehive state is filled to the brim with Mormons and it is technically illegal to NOT drink milk there. You also can’t buy beer that’s more than 4% ABV at the store. However, one thing that Utah is the best at is subscribing to online porn.

So at least they’ve got that going for them.

Mormons

Weed. On November 6th, 2012, Washington did something amazing. The passage of Initiative 502 legalized Marijuana… Sort of. There’s still a lot of kinks to work out but essentially, you can smoke that shit in your house and you’re allowed to carry up to an ounce at a time.

Unfortunately, what all of this really means is that white, over-privileged college kids will be listening to a lot more Dave Matthews Band this summer while they play ultimate frisbee. And Dave Matthews Band sucks.

Dreamy Weed

Coffee. There is no state that comes close. Washington invented that shit and wherever you live produces a far, far inferior cup of joe. As big and obnoxious as Starbucks may be, let’s be honest: You wouldn’t know what the fuck a latte was if it hadn’t been for them opening up in every strip mall that your shitty state has.

What’s that? You really like Frappuccinos?

Fucking amateur.

Coffee Art

Marmots. We have many in our majestic mountain ranges. Your state may have some marmots as well but it’s a scientific fact that ours are far more adorable.

marmot

Washington marmots: now with 30% more fuzzy cuddles.

Beards. They come in all shapes and sizes. It’s rumored that most Washingtonian men grow their first beard by age seven. It is also a little known fact that beards have magical powers in the Northwest. A beard grown in Missouri will grant its owner wizard like capabilities when in Washington.

beards

The Narrows. In 1940, we built a bridge across the Tacoma Narrows Straight. Four months after its completion, it collapsed into Puget Sound during a wind storm.

Tacoma Narrows Bridge Collapse

But instead of whining about it like your state would have, we were all like “fuck you!” and we rebuilt that son of a bitch even better than the first one. Then to top it off we built another one right next to it, taunting Mother Nature to blow that shit down.

2nd Narrows Bridge, Tacoma

Twin Peaks. This show was one of the single most astounding pieces of television to ever grace the airwaves. Who Killed Laura Palmer? It was her dad, Leland. But he was possessed by a Native American guy or something. I don’t really remember. Anyway, the pies at Twede’s Cafe in North Bend aren’t as good as the show would have you believe. In fact, the food in general at Twede’s is sub-par and I wouldn’t really recommend eating there. Just watch the show.

Oh, had you not seen it yet? SPOILER ALERT!

twin peaks

We’re not Alabama.
Or Georgia.
Or Mississippi.
Or Florida.
Or Texas.
You get the picture.

Southern man in trailer with gun.

Mount St. Helens. Has a volcano ever erupted in your state? Unless you live in Hawaii, the answer is no and Hawaii’s volcanoes erupt like little girls. Saint Helens went up like Hiroshima (without killing Japanese people) and left behind a crater bigger than Steven Tyler’s mouth. Gross.

Mt. St. Helens Explodes

Mt. St. Helens Crater Panorama

This. The epic-ness of this song is unfathomable, plus the fucking piano explodes at fifty seconds in. Are there two sisters from your state in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame? The answer to that question is no. In fact, other than the Breeders there aren’t even sisters from your state that are good at music.

Speaking of sibling bands: Hey, Oklahoma – not only did you steal the Sonics, you gave the world The Hanson Brothers.
(which is far worse than the Dave Matthews Band)

Anyway, go fuck yourselves.

Bill Gates. A Seattle native, mega-billionaire, philanthropist and all around straight up genius. He created the single most popular operating system in the world. He’s given over thirty billion dollars to charity and through the Gates Foundation, is close to eradicating malaria from the entire continent of Africa. Not bad for a guy who dropped out of Harvard.

What did Steve Jobs do, cure cancer?

Bill Gates, Microsoft, Young

Gay Marriage. We voted for it. And that means that these guys could get married. Even our gay guys have magical beards.

Gay Marriage, with Beards

Salmon. Don’t even bring up Atlantic Salmon. It’s insulting. Pacific Salmon are noble, gentle creatures and native Washingtonians can pick out a Coho from a Sockeye or Chinook on sight. That’s a fact. We eat fresh Salmon for breakfast lunch and dinner while you’re eating frozen seafood at Sizzler in a strip mall.

Oh, you have a Long John Silver’s next to Applebee’s?

Get hip to Ivar’s, bitches.

Sockeye Salmon

Cascadia. Some day the Pacific Northwest will be its own NATION and we’ll get to enjoy our wonderful region as it was meant to be; without a bunch of assholes moving here and bitching about the weather. Cascadia will be a land of rocky shores, emerald forests, golden prairies and glorious alpine peaks bountiful with apples, beer, elk and Amazon employees. It will be perfection, and we’ll even let the weirdos from Portland join in.

Cascadia Flag

DEFEND CASCADIA

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About the Author

"I don't know much. But I know I love Washington. And that may be all I need to know." Internetter, Writer, Husband, Dad, Belgian Beer Snob.



50 Responses to Washington rules: why Washington State is better than your state

  1. Holy fuck.

    As a magical beard wielding gay man, I approve this article.

  2. joe barnett says:

    This article is the most stupidest , most insulting and pretty damn rude as well ..I have never seen so many cuss words in an article in print that you people call news . This is why I don’t watch T.V no more and read newspapers ALL REPORTERS SUCKS so does this page !!

    • Daniel Rahe Daniel Rahe says:

      We respectfully disagree. If you give it a chance, you will find that there are fewer cuss words the second time around.

    • Jeremy says:

      Looks like someone isn’t from here!

      Chances are you think everyone in Seattle is an asshole because we aren’t dying to strike up a conversation at any given moment, too.

      The Seattle Freeze is REAL, but it doesn’t mean we’re rude or hate you. We just don’t need to make friends.

    • HAHAHA says:

      HA! You said “most stupidest”! Oh the irony.

    • Tristan says:

      Washington also has one of the highest education rates in the entire country. Most of our baristas have bachelor’s degrees. If you lived in Washington, you’d be able to tell the difference between a website and TV, possibly because of all the fucking cursing.

    • Auto-Correct says:

      **** This is the stupidest, most insulting article, I have never seen so many cuss words in a printed article that you call news. This is why I don’t watch T.V. anymore or read newspapers. ALL REPORTERS SUCK, so does this page!!

      Joe,
      This is what I believe you were trying to say. But I have a feeling that the true reason you don’t read newspapers is that you have a little trouble reading. Just saying.

    • Comte says:

      But apparently, the presence of all them dag-nabbed cussin’ words didn’t stop you from reading the article from beginning to end, now did it? And I’d suggest taking a Journalism 101 course at your nearest community college, because if you think this represents actual journalism, you’re woefully uneducated – about a lot more than just the news business would be my guess, so maybe sign up for several classes while you’re there.

    • Amber says:

      Your English is insulting!

    • Ivanhoe says:

      Those aren’t considered cuss words in Washington. Cascadian English is a legitimate-ass dialect of English, and what you perceive as cuss words are actually grammatically fucking necessary in our patois.

    • Moar Stupidererest says:

      I don’t think you’re in a position to call anything “most stupidest” if you think this is a news report. Stick with your newspaper if it’s so great. You may also find this link helpful http://www.learn-english-online.org/ Have the most nicerest day!

  3. Mary says:

    Also the best never-heard album is mine- Welcome to WA- all about Wa State.
    -Mary Water

  4. Mary says:

    1 more: What other state’s historical society would archive a weird, unknown album like mine? I gave a talk about the WA history in the album at a historical building in Oly. for my record release party and then they archived it.

  5. Camilla Holmes says:

    Hmmm my parents are Mormon and we’ve lived in Washington state since ’94 anddd we are still kickass. Just sayin… Oh and if you don’t want stupid people moving here, don’t write an article about how our state is the best. Everyone wants what they can’t have. And anyone living in Washington state already knows it’s the best state. Writing an article to prove that isn’t necessary in any way. We all know. Now stfu before more people find out and start making plans to move here!

  6. Reggie says:

    My two weeks in the Washington wilderness was spectacular. Truly one of the most beautiful places I have ever been.

    The Seattle Freeze is real, however. Shocking to me how flat, boring, and downright unfriendly the natives are. A few days into my trip I finally met somebody with a personality and a pulse and it turned out she was from Austin.

    • Comte says:

      So, you’re basing your “observation” on the what – the six people you ran into in the freakin’ woods? You DO know why people hike for days into the wilderness, right? To get away from other people. And thanks for avoiding any sort of knee-jerk, stereotyped, over-generalization of several millions of us based on an absurdly small sample of “people who didn’t become my BFF when I visited their state for two weeks”.

  7. Alex says:

    The idea Cascadia is to cut of western Washington and western Oregon from the rest of the two states, not include them

  8. Brandon says:

    This is the funniest site I’ve ever read about WA State. Everything you said made sense. I liked the Mt. Rainier and St. Helens bits. And also that Marmot I never knew about. it looks like a grizzly homeless version of a praire dog. I’ll have to tell my firends about this site.

  9. Richard says:

    “What did Steve Jobs do, cure cancer?”

    No, but he did die from it. That’s pretty harsh, don’t you think?

    • Timm says:

      No, cancer cured Steve Jobs.

      Hey-O!

      • John says:

        Wow dude you’re a real piece of shit. Your article sucks something awful. Being from the state of wa my Damn self. Tell you right now I’d love to kick your ass people from wa are stupid. T hat love to drag their feet and not get shit done. And the weather sucks be we all know that. There ain’t nothing but FAT women in wa. And there ain’t shitto do. And you cocomment on Steve jobs was just evil. And you should have your mouth nailed shut. fuck SEATTLE fuck Washington and Fuck you. O and at least Utah has Sun lite. Another thing wa lacks. You article was true but it proves one thing wa sucks. And the people born in this shit hole state suck. Asshole

  10. ryan says:

    As someone who was looking forward to watching Twin Peaks for the first time, why would you spoil it for anyone? I thought this was an alright article before that, but now I’ll never read this site ever again.

    That sucks!

    • Chris says:

      Twin Peaks is from 1991, its 23 years old. Deal with it.

    • Comte says:

      Dude, Twin Peaks aired nearly 25 years ago and has been available on VHS & DVD for almost as long. If you were really going to watch it, you would have done so ages ago. So no, you don’t get to play the Spoiler Card just because you’re too lazy to put it onto your Netflix queue.

  11. Bryant says:

    Well well well another genius that thinks his state is better than anyone else’s, true…..you should have pride in where you come from however crazy you may sound, I know what you are thinking….great, another guy who has an opinion about somewhere he never lived…..let me stop you right there Cheech. I have lived there for quite a spell the. I went out and experienced the world………you have absolutely no idea what you are missing, the diversity of some of the shitty places I have been to puts your entire state to shame…… I wish you all the best with you life stuck in a tree near a mountain that once went off and killed a bunch of shit.

    By the way, I only wrote this for two reasons:

    A: to see all you tree huggen hippies get bent out of shape when I say your coffee sucks balls

    B: you talked shit about Texas so fuck you.

    Have a nice day and remember, Jeasus saves!!!!

  12. Alyson Vetter O'Connell says:

    Oh, how I miss Tacoma…. this article is hilarious! …and as a non native who spent 9 years in western Washington, I found it to have the most down to earth REAL people… is it overly friendly? No. But, once you do make friends, you’ve got a friend for life. Oh, a none of my native Washingtonian friends ever f’d me over…

    Great article, Joe!

  13. leftcoastgrrl says:

    a big slappin’ high five to the author and Post Def for this hilarious and much more Tacoma PNW love (sorry Portlandia, you’re just a little too close to twee home). WASHINGTON RULES! (and the rest of you need to get a fucking sense of humor. srsly.)

  14. Jennifer says:

    This was a pretty funny article, being a Washington State native. I would also like to point out, yes a lot of people come to see Seattle, but when you say Seattle has cold are cold and have no personality, maybe you should try visiting other parts of Washington State. Tacoma and Olympia have friendly people, so please people do no generalize all Washingtionians when you have only visited Seattle.

  15. Scott B says:

    Add a part for Valve and I’d say you have a complete article.

  16. Janine Koster says:

    I love this article!!! I was born and raised in Rancho Cordova, CA. My older sister & her husband lived on Whidbey Island for 30+ years when my brother in law was in the US Navy, and thereafter. I lived on Whidbey Island for 10+ years and loved it!! The friends I made there are friends for life and when I needed help, I got it!! I have also lived in Tacoma, and even though it is a bit warmer in the summer than the island, it’s really not that bad. I have visited quite a few towns and cities in WA state and would not change any experience I have had there. As far as the people in WA, there are all kinds, you just have to be a little bit more open minded, and try to understand where their heads are at. For the most part, I found that they are pretty much friendly, and the people that are stand offish are usually the ones that moved there from another state!!! I have family and dear friends that still live there, so I know I will be returning!!! Just my opinion….I LOVE WA STATE!!!!

  17. Frank says:

    This article is about as stupid as it gets. The guy sounds like a drunk hipster who’s trying to show off to his friends. One a scale of 1-1000 he would end up close to 10,000,000 on the douche bag level. Where to begin – first off Washington doesn’t have the best Salmon (try Alaska), bashing Mormons, the south and anything else just seems childish and ignorant and claiming at the same time that we’re somehow “better” makes it even worse. Rebuilding the Tacoma Narrows’ bridge does not make us “better”, it makes us idiots for screwing it up so badly the first time that it had to be redone almost immediately. Claiming that having coffee, beards and marmots makes us somehow great shows just how little this person actually ventures into the outside world. It’s NOT cool to be pathetic, poor architects, condescending of other and drunk while eating at mediocre restaurants claiming superiority like a fanboi preparing to go camping at Mt. Rainier. I suggest someone actually get a life and move around a bit to experience how pathetic this view really is.

  18. Washingtonian says:

    I love Washington, and agree with most of the things this article states. However, I was a little thrown off about how in ‘in your face’ the author is. But it’s whatever. One last thing: After living my whole in Washington and then traveling internationally for a year, I’ve noticed that we are little overly PC, politically correct. Which makes us seem like a bunch of pussies sometimes.

  19. Gabe says:

    Washington = Minnesota – snow + rain + mountains
    Colorado = Washington – rain + sun
    Oregon = Rural southern Washington
    Seattle, Wicker Park, Portland, Bay Area, Austin, Brooklyn; vary in income levels and weather only. Yay for “Stuff white people like!”

    Seattle Freeze is also not unique; same thing as Minnesota Nice. But yes, we are all special snowflakes.

  20. The Dude says:

    Dude, the marmots are not the issue.

  21. TweedleDee says:

    Ironically, Hanson is manufacturing their own brand of beer, called, “Mmmhops.”

  22. juanO says:

    Forget what all these whiney bitches are saying. This is a great article no matter where you live. And to add, I’ve been to Texas as well. Texas does suck.

  23. Brian says:

    The author forgot to mention the insanely quality mega-fluff our ski slopes have, our flavalistic geographic diversity, and the fucking George Amphitheatre!

  24. Hoog says:

    Love Seattle, but Ivars blows.

  25. AH says:

    I liked the beginning because I live in Washington and was all like, “Fuck Yeah!” Because I adore Mt. Rainer and the marmots and pretty much everything here. I appreciate the in-your-face tone the author was trying to take.

    But… honestly, the thing about Mt. St. Helens and Hiroshima struck a nerve and then it left a bad taste in my mouth. It’s too callous and lacks depth. (Cool! Explosions! Except…not really).

    That’s just me though. I’m a lot more sensitive since moving here 8 years ago from Chicago.

  26. Dood says:

    The Twin Peaks spoiler was a pretty shitty move. If this was a Twin Peaks-related website, it would be understandable. But to ruin the ending of a such a good show just to be cute is pretty weak.

    Sorry for not watching the show by your deadline, dipshit.

  27. John says:

    If it was written before Steve Jobs died why does it have facts from 2012? (Cannibis)

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